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Letting Go of “Unlikeability”

You Have Been Good Enough All Along – by @tlkateart
 
 
You may have recently seen some discussions about a post online stating that trauma survivors are “fundamentally unlikeable.” I hope it has not been too derailing to your healing.
 
If it has been derailing or activating to you, it may help if you can step back mentally and see the statement for what it is: a cognitive distortion arising from PTSD. It is also an expression of internalized ableism.
 
Remember, when you have feelings of depression or anxiety, your feelings are understandable and deserve compassion. AND–you also do not have to buy into the cognitions or judgments that arise from these feelings!
 
In Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach talks about the “trance of unworthiness” that is engendered by trauma. This is also called “SHAME.” This kind of shame is the deep sense that one is fundamentally unworthy of love. (It is different from guilt, which is a pain from hurting someone and a motivator to do better next time.)
 
In my experience as a clinician and also as a trauma survivor, shame is pretty well universal among trauma survivors and it is easy to get sucked into. But you can remember not to buy into it. You do not have to buy into internalized ableism.
 
If someone dislikes you because you have trauma symptoms, that has more to do with who they are than who you are. If you feel unlikeable because of your trauma, that has more to do with trauma symptoms than with your actual likeability.
 
Another important aspect of this is that you do not owe anyone a performance of likeability. You yourself may want or need to be liked, for your own reasons: psychological, social, practical, or safety reasons. But likeability is not something you owe to others. You don’t have to be likeable for the sake of others’ comfort.
 
 
You are not a burden, you are carrying a burden. 
 
You are not a burden, we are lucky to have you
You Are Not a Burden by @tlkateart
 
 
You might also find it useful to listen to the following meditation from Tara Brach*: Healing Shame
 

(Note: Dr. Brach uses “toxic shame” vs. “healthy shame” to refer to what I would call “shame” vs. “guilt.”)

 

You are already fundamentally likeable, just as you are. ❤️

 

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A Peaceful Meditation Day to All!

The physical and health benefits of meditation have been noted for years and repeatedly validated by science. You don’t have to switch to an entirely new lifestyle in order to practice meditation! There are many ways to begin practicing, a little at a time.

Many people with anxiety do very well with the structured approach taken by Headspace (Andy Puddicombe). With simple graphics that clearly explain physical, cognitive, and emotional aspects of meditation, you will find the process easy to understand and implement. Even if you do not get a subscription and only use the first sessions that are free, it is well worth a look:

Another meditation tool that many clients report being highly satisfied with is Insight Timer:

And if you’re ready to go a little deeper into the emotional aspects of meditation, I highly recommend anything at all by Tara Brach!

 

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Yoga Through the Lens of Western Science

Yoga class concept

Our physical, emotional, and cognitive aspects are interconnected and interdependent. This is the case whether we use a psychodynamic approach or a cognitive-behavioral psychological approach. If we are experiencing (noticing) dysfunction in one area, the whole system is actually affected. The good news about this is that by changing things in one aspect, we can affect other aspects as well.

This does not mean that we can simply “think away illness” or that if we can exercise “perfectly” (whatever that would be!) then our thoughts and feelings will just “snap out of it” into rationality and/or bliss. What it does mean, however, is that when we gradually move our habits towards health and balance in one aspect, the other aspects will also move more towards health and balance.

That means when behaviors become healthier, thoughts and feelings become healthier. When thoughts become healthier, feelings and behaviors become healthier. When feelings become healthier, behaviors and thoughts become healthier. A change in any one of them changes all of them!

When we consider the interconnected areas of behavior, cognition, and emotion, the most easily and directly influenced aspect is behavior. We can change what we do, which can help to change what we think and how we feel.

Remember, with any behavior change, the idea is not instant change, but rather successive approximation: doing things a bit more like the goal behavior, and then when that sticks, we do it a bit more like the goal behavior. Attempting drastic changes is less likely to create long-term change than creating and conditioning gradual habit change.

This really interesting clip discusses some ways in which developing–for example–a yoga practice can influence not only thoughts and feelings but also our bodies down to the cellular and chemical level:

 

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Know Your Personal Rights: With Explanations!

Based on the Personal Bill of Rights from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (Edmund J. Bourne):

 

#1: I have the right to ask for what I want.
You are allowed to ask. You don’t have to mind-read beforehand to make sure the answer will be yes. You don’t have to swallow everything you want or like or need. Sure, it’s possible the answer will be “no,” but you can prepare for that possibility. It’s not wrong to ask.
#2: I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
Just because someone asks (or demands) something, you are not obligated to do what they want. You are also not required to come up with justifications, apologies, or rationalizations for saying no. It’s okay to just say, “No, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be able to do that.”
#2 is also the corollary to #1. If at some level you believe people are not “allowed” to say no, you may feel guilty asking for anything because it feels like you are “forcing” someone to do what you want. (And you may resent others asking anything of you for the same reason.)
You are allowed to say no to others, and others are allowed to say no to you. (That’s how autonomy works.)
#3: I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
You are allowed to have feelings, whether you or others think they “make sense” or not. You can acknowledge a feeling to yourself or to others. Emotions are your feedback system about events, whether in the outside world or within your mind. As such, they aren’t “right or wrong.”
Thoughts and judgments generated by feelings can be true or untrue, reasonable or unreasonable, but the feelings themselves are not right or wrong.
For example, you can feel scared about something that wouldn’t scare most others. The fear is still real, even if there is no threat. Likewise, you can be sad, or angry, or even happy about something that doesn’t make sense. The feeling itself is still real.
So it doesn’t make sense for someone to say, for example, “You shouldn’t be sad about that.” If you’re sad, you’re sad. Or, it’s okay to tell someone, “You’re scaring me,” even if they believe they have a right to shout at you, or tell you you “shouldn’t” be scared.
In fact, telling someone your responses to their actions is an important thing for them to know about how their behavior affects others. (If it’s not safe to tell them how you feel, then that relationship is not safe.)
A good formula to express feelings to self or others is “I feel ______________ when ___________ happens.”
“I feel anxious and vulnerable when there’s violence in the news.”
“I feel abandoned and angry when you forget to pick me up.”
#4: I have the right to change my mind.
It’s okay to try something and then realize you don’t like it halfway through. It’s okay to discover your feelings about a person or situation have changed. It’s acceptable to learn and grow and develop new beliefs. You do not have to continue something you don’t like.
#5: I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
It’s often much easier to apply “no one is perfect” to others, while still beating yourself up for mistakes or “flaws.” This is usually an internalized voice that is just waiting for any chance to criticize. Whosever voice that was, you don’t have to keep repeating that tape.
It’s certainly valid to try doing something differently if that works better in your life, but you are already acceptable, even as you are “messing up” or being flawed. Too many people are waiting until they achieve perfection to love themselves, and they will wait forever.
It can be invigorating to strive for excellence, but “the perfect is the enemy of the good.” This means that you may end up doing nothing at all if you can’t do it perfectly (which no one can).
#6: I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
You are allowed to wear clothes that others think are too childish, too weird, too sexy, or too boring. It’s really none of their business. It is your choice if you want to eat vegetarian food or to include meat. It’s not wrong to have sex or to completely abstain. YOU choose. If you want to go to church, that’s your business. If you want to not go to church, that is also your business. If you want to be a parent, great! If you want to be child-free, great! You don’t have to legalistically justify your values to someone else.
#7: I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
You are allowed to say no when you need to! (See #2.)
#8: I have the right to determine my own priorities.
No one else can live your life for you. It’s not a trial run. Prioritize what is really important to you, which may not be what your friends, parents, or society expect. They get their own turn. This is yours!
#9: I have the right *not* to be responsible for others’ behaviors, actions, feelings, or problems.
This one is tricky. People misinterpret it to mean that it must be fine to be selfish and you should not care how you treat others or how they are affected by you. That is not what it means.
It does mean that you are allowed to take your own side. You are allowed to take care of yourself, physically and mentally. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
It means that ultimately you cannot control how others respond to you. For example, if you are “walking on eggshells” trying not to upset someone, then at some level you believe you can (and must) manage their feelings — to make things okay for them. This is not true!
It means that if someone is abusive to you, you did not “cause” it, because you are not responsible for others’ behaviors — they are. It means that you don’t have to keep rescuing someone, especially from problems they create, because you are not responsible for their problems.
The reverse is also true! If someone is hurtful to you, you are the one responsible for protecting your feelings from further injury, whether by telling the person to change how they treat you, or by ceasing to interact with them (insofar as that is possible) if they do not.
#10: I have the right to expect honesty from others.
A relationship without honesty is not a relationship, but rather a one-sided experience for each partner.
#11: I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
Too often people imagine that love and anger are incompatible. But we can hold many contrasting feelings at once! If someone hurts or disappoints you, it’s natural to feel angry. We don’t want to express anger in an abusive way, but feeling and expressing anger is to be expected.
#12: I have the right to be uniquely myself.
“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” Your individuality is to be celebrated. That doesn’t mean others are wrong to be who they are. It means that you get to be anything from “boring” to “weird” if it makes you happy and fulfilled (and so do others!)
#13: I have the right to feel scared and say “I feel afraid.”
Feelings are not wrong in and of themselves. No one can tell you that you “shouldn’t” feel afraid (not even you). You do not deserve to be mocked into ignoring your vulnerability or your wish to be careful, even if your fear is not based on a reasonable threat.
#14: I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
You don’t need to be pressured into making a decision when you are unsure. And you can’t be expected to know everything — no one knows everything! It’s reasonable to take the time to figure out what you don’t know.
#15: I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
If you want to explain to someone, you certainly may. But too often people feel they *must* come up with scrupulous, legalistic, unbreakable explanations for everything they do.
Who are you allowing to judge you? You don’t have to put yourself one-down to someone else’s judgment. After all, you don’t judge them and argue every little thing they do, right?
#16: I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
Pssst! Here’s the big secret: ALL (yes, ALL!) decisions are based on feelings. Someone who tells you otherwise is not very self-aware, and they are rationalizing their own (feelings-based) decisions in hindsight.
What about logic? What about rationality?
Yes, we want people to be rational and to be logical. That’s the best way to get the outcome you want… and “want” is a feeling. Without feelings, there is no reason to do anything at all. You are not an automaton, nor is anyone else. Logic incorporates rationality AND feelings in deciding your path. If you believe something will make you happy and you know (rationally) how to do it, then logic says “try doing that thing.”
There is no such thing as “pure logic” or “pure rationality” in terms of human behavior.
All desired outcomes are feelings. For example: “I want to have a house and a car [because I will feel satisfaction].” or “I want to become a physician [because I will feel better if my parents are pleased].”
So if someone criticizes you for deciding things based on your feelings, they have absolutely no grounds for criticism. It is completely illogical to exclude feelings from decision-making!
#17: I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
Whether you need a little or a lot of alone time to recharge, then you are allowed to take that time. Others may *want* more of your time than you have available, but it’s not your responsibility to sacrifice taking care of yourself to fulfill their wishes.
You can’t give to others from an empty well!
#18: I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
It’s okay to have a childlike side. That’s part of what keeps you alive and happy! It doesn’t mean you are are not to be taken seriously, or that your needs should be ignored, and it doesn’t mean you can’t also be a competent adult.
#19: I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
When you begin to set boundaries, take care of yourself, and ask for needs to be met, you may be met with resistance from those still caught in dysfunctional dynamics. You are allowed to take care of yourself even if others aren’t, and you can’t save them by sacrificing yourself.
#20: I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
You are not required to tolerate a stressful and abusive environment just because you know how to do so and have done so in the past. A big part of therapy is *lowering* your tolerance for BS so that you will get out of bad situations before they get terrible!
#21: I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
If the atmosphere in your childhood environment was insular and suspicious, you may feel guilty about being social or out in the world. But those are part of your rights as a human — to connect with other humans as you see fit, to like and love those you are drawn to.
In an abusive relationship of whatever kind, someone may seek to make you feel guilty for or afraid of having any connections besides the abuser. This is a control mechanism, and is not healthy.
#22: I have the right to change and grow.
“But you didn’t use to mind when I did X” … It’s okay to say, “Well, now I do mind, so please don’t.”
#23: I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
It’s also okay to limit or cease time spent with those who do not respect your needs, wants, and boundaries. Even if they are loved ones.
#24: I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
Again, it’s okay to limit or cease time spent with those who do not treat you with basic human respect. Even if they are loved ones.
And don’t confuse “respect as an authority” with “respect human rights”:
rights_authority
Finally, #25: I have the right to be happy.
The simplest but by no means the easiest to accept.
(Previous post about personal rights here.)
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What Attending Therapy Is About: (AKA We Are Not Just Sitting Here Chatting)

Everyone’s approach to attending therapy sessions is different: people’s needs, symptoms, and circumstances vary incredibly. People want and expect different things in session.

Clearly, there are specific, well-researched interventions that are likely to be effective with most people who experience a certain symptom or pattern of behavior. Some interventions can be practiced in a therapy session, and some interventions are good for a client to take home and practice on their own. I do have plenty of handouts to work on and books to recommend that you read!

But not every intervention is on a list of tips that I’m going to print out and give you outright, or on a sheet in a manual with steps 1, 2, and 3. In fact, nearly all of what we are doing while in session is an intervention, even if I do not formally announce it as such. That is to say, we are not just sitting here chatting, even if sometimes that’s what it appears to be.

When I’m asking about your week, or how you feel, if you’ve gotten over your flu, or how things are going with your family or job, for example, I’m actually assessing your anxiety, depression, hypomania, behavior patterns, physical well-being, environmental influences, sense of hopefulness, and any changes in how you are interacting…for starters.

But I’m not just gathering data. I’m also intentionally getting you to practice certain kinds of conversing, thinking, and interacting during session.

I’m getting you to practice speaking openly about things that may have felt “unspeakable,” uncomfortable, scary, or just awkward. I’m reframing or redirecting your thoughts as you speak them from “shoulds and musts” to “preferences and wants,” so that you can begin to change your internalized messages. I am giving you the chance to practice openly experiencing and expressing feelings in the presence of someone who will not censor or scold you for how “irrational” or “unacceptable” they are. I am often taking the role of defending you from your own inner critic! I am supporting you in developing an attachment that is not based in power and control or other unhealthy dynamics. I’m also simply being a trained witness to your life; checking in with you over time to see how you are changing and making sure you are okay.

Developing different patterns of thought and interaction takes time, and it’s a great deal more powerful if done with another person. That is why sessions are “booster shots” even for those who do a lot of internal work on their own. Humans are social creatures. Everyone, even introverts (like me!) must interact with others in order to process and develop emotionally.

And you know I can tell you’ve been making real progress when you stop yourself from saying “should” in session before I can give you the “shoulds” lecture yet again! ;D

So that is why–even if I didn’t give you a handout to take home or a list of suggested solutions to your situation–you made a LOT of progress in your session today.

Remember, “talk therapy” actually changes brain structure!

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Know Your (Personal) Rights

Most relationship difficulties are a result of some kind of difficulty in setting boundaries. If your childhood environment was chaotic or abusive, you may not have been allowed or encouraged to have personal boundaries, so you may need to learn to develop them in adulthood.

In order to develop good personal boundaries, you need to know what rights those boundaries are defending. If you haven’t thought much about your personal rights, you might not even know what they are! In that case, a good place to start is the Personal Bill of Rights from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (Edmund J. Bourne).

Personal Rights

Click here to see further explanation of individual items on the list.

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Therapy Changes Your Brain Structure

Experiences change our brains. Not just in some vague way, but the structures and functions of our brains.

It’s true that our earliest experiences cast the longest shadows on our lives. But we can still heal and change our brains in positive directions throughout our lifetimes.

Yes, medications affect brain function directly, but “talk” therapy can also change your brain. For example, the more you practice thinking in a certain way, the more it becomes automatic.

If you were raised with conditioning (traumatic experiences, chaotic or abusive household) that led to depressive and anxious thoughts, you can practice new ways of thinking that will help to re-condition your brain. This is certainly not to say “just think cheerful thoughts and everything will be fine.” This is about targeting certain patterns of thoughts that you may not even realize you experience.

Thoughts are not the only part of your mental conditioning that can be re-trained, but they are often a good place to start.

Even severe conditions such as schizophrenia can show improvement in brain functioning through “talk” therapy, as research continues to show.